Sales Page Review

This client is a coach who teaches nonprofit leaders how to fundraise. Her offer on this sales page is called “Fundraising 101” (name changed so the client can remain anonymous). Much of what I suggested to my client in this document I learned through the Copyhackers courses. Those courses aren't the end-all be-all, and there’s more than one way to write a successful sales page, but they heavily influenced my recommendations to this client.

The number one thing:

The number one thing to remember about your sales page is that it’s all about the reader. So the nonprofit founder, the executive director, this page is all about her - it should not be all about Fundraising 101.

Because she isn’t necessarily interested in learning about Fundraising 101. And what I mean by that is, what she’s really interested in is making her life better.

She doesn’t want to stress about fundraising, she wants to feel confident in her fundraising, she wants to make enough money to be comfortable and she wants to stop struggling from month to month.

That’s what she really wants and that’s what the entire page has to point towards. Fundraising 101 is just a path to get her to where she wants to be.

Each sentence should be designed to get her to want to read the next one. The job of every sentence is to move the reader on down to the next sentence.

And we do this in several ways and I’m gonna help you with that, and I’ll come back to this idea later, but as you go through and improve your sales page and as you listen to this video and check out these notes, keep in mind that everything should be centered around your reader: her struggles, how she wants her life to change, and how she can get to where she wants to be.

One big idea and one big promise:

Your entire page should be based on these two things. They’ll affect the headline, the subhead, the crossheads, the body copy, everything will be wrapped around these two things.

One Big Idea:

1. It’s the main thing your reader most wants.

For example, “Get your donors to always give when you ask.”

“Fund your nonprofit 100% from donations”

“Make enough money so that you have a surplus at the end of the year.”

Write down several of these - you can write down 20, 30, 50, a lot.

One Big Promise:

You already have a few promises in your sales page. One is your current headline, “Master Fundraising (10 minutes at a time).” One promise is reflected in the subhead, “It’s Time You became a Confident, Knowledgeable Fundraiser.”

But the first promise is a little bit too broad and too generic, it’s not showing them how their life will be better once they master fundraising.

An easy way to come up with your One Big Promise is to list out all the potential outcomes your prospect will get from Fundraising 101. It may help to start out with the words, “I promise."

• I promise you’ll stop guessing and feeling uncertain about how to bring in enough money for your next quarter.

• I promise you’ll make enough money to pay yourself well AND have money leftover.

Delete the words, “I promise.” And then add a number.

• Within 2 weeks, you’ll stop guessing and feeling uncertain about how to bring in enough money for your next quarter.

• Make enough money to pay yourself well AND have money leftover in one year.

Those types of promises are really tangible. Just make sure it’s something that is truly realistic and that you can honestly promise.

Structure:

Your video sales letter was structured really well.

You talked about the struggles they’re dealing with, you told them they are capable of doing this, you mentioned Becky’s success story early on, you talked about fundraising myths and mistakes, and you told them how certain things you would teach them would help change their life.

That’s the type of structure you need to follow with your sales page.

Suggested page structure:

(optional): Pre-Headline sentence calling out who this is for

Section 1: Headline and subhead

Section 2: Specific struggles and problems

Section 3: End outcomes - who they want to be, what their “new” life will look like, how their life will change for the better

Section 4: Tearing down fundraising myths

Section 5: Start talking about what they need WITHOUT mentioning “Fundraising 101”

Section 6: Sandy’s Bio (in first-person)

Section 7: A couple of testimonials - spread these all throughout the page

Insert VSL (video sales letter)

Section 8: Introducing: Fundraising 101

Section 9: Tour of Fundraising 101

Section 10: Bonuses

CTA

Section 11: No-risk guarantee

CTA

Testimonials

• If you want, you can insert a section here comparing Fundraising 101 to the other similar programs.

• If you want, you can insert a section here where you talk about how they could learn all of this stuff on their own, but that’s super hard and time-consuming.

CTA

Section 12: FAQs (taken to the next level)

Section 13: This Is For You If

CTA

Close: 2 different closing options

CTA

Section 1: Headline and subhead

Headline - you have about three different options for the headline. You can either write it pointing towards the one big idea, you can write it pointing towards the one promise, or you can write it pointing towards the struggles / problems they’re dealing with.

Write out at least 20 headlines before deciding on one. The first few are almost never good enough.

Subhead - should go deeper into what the headline mentioned and it can incorporate a couple of those. So it may talk about the struggles they’re dealing with and mention what their life could look like.

Section 2: Specific struggles and problems

This section, currently starting with “It’s a fact: the more money you raise,” needs to be completely changed to talk about their struggles and their problems. Get as specific as possible.

Getting specific in talking about their real-life problems is extremely powerful in connecting with them, in getting them to trust you, in getting them to feel like, “Wow. This lady understands exactly what I’m going through.” And that simultaneously plants a seed in their mind that you also must know how to fix their problems.

Talking about their problems also reminds them of everything that they’re tired of dealing with and it keeps their struggles fresh in their mind as they continue to read down the page looking for answers.

Check out the emails I wrote for The Inspired Fundraising Retreat for several very specific examples. A lot of those emails, especially the first few, like Email 2 and 3, talked a lot about specific struggles and problems and they went over very, very well. So don’t be afraid to take copy from that and plug it into here.

Also this section should be much bigger than just these three sentences. So don’t be afraid of adding more copy in here in order to make people better connect with you.

Section 3: End outcomes - who they want to be, what their “new” life will look like, how their life will change for the better

IT’S TIME YOU BECAME A CONFIDENT, KNOWLEDGEABLE FUNDRAISER.

Idea behind this crosshead is really good because you’re speaking to who they want to be.

Maybe delete the sentence saying Your Big Vision Requires It, unless you feel like it’s important and serves a purpose.

Copy suggestion: It’s time you became a confident fundraiser who knows exactly what she’s doing.

Just Imagine...

This part needs to be completely changed to speak to the end outcomes - to paint a picture of who they want to be and what they want their life to look like.

As of now, it’s all about the features of Fundraising 101. And the place for talking about the features is down the page, after you’ve established what a much better life can look like for them.

For example, instead of saying, “Speedy. No need for an hour for a webinar – get the good stuff FAST in short videos of 10 minutes or less.”

Say something like, Just Imagine...

• Always getting the money you ask for

• Being confident you know who to ask and how to ask

Etc.

Section 4: Tearing down fundraising falses

These are the things that your audience believes to be true about fundraising, or they’ve just automatically accepted as true about fundraising because that’s what they’ve always been told - but they’re simply not true. And they’re getting in the way of fundraising success.

You mentioned some of these in the video, like Rich People Obsession and The Myth of the Shoe String Budget.

In Email 4 from the emails I wrote for you for the retreat, we talked about some of these myths as well.

This section lays out what’s not true about fundraising and frees them from those beliefs, so they can be ready to accept a better way of doing things.

Section 5: Start talking about what they need WITHOUT mentioning “Fundraising 101”

This is where you talk about what they need, how to fix their problems, how to overcome their struggles, but you don’t want to mention Fundraising 101 yet.

You still want them to feel totally friction-free and not be thinking about paying money and all the concerns that come up with paying money.

You already have different sentences like this sprinkled throughout your page and you mentioned some in your video, so it’s a matter of consolidating them in one area.

This is where you’ll say things like,

• You need a clear strategy on how to use the resources you already have

• You need to see real-life examples of HOW other small nonprofits went from “I don’t know how we’re going to survive next month” to “We’ve already passed our fundraising goals for this year and we’re only in the second quarter”

• You need to get your hands on some templates proven to work for other small nonprofits and that will work for yours

Etc.

Section 6: Sandy’s Bio (in first-person)

Change Sandy’s bio to first person.

The rest of your page is written in the right tone of voice, it’s written in a way that makes me feel like you’re talking to me.

And so a third-person bio is not quite as down-to-earth and it throws the flow of the sales page off. It’s not consistent with how the rest of the page is written.

So change this from sounding like you were interviewed and someone else wrote this to sounding like you are introducing yourself to a new person you just met face-to-face.

Section 7: A couple testimonials

You have a lot of really good testimonials. Spread them out throughout the page, don’t keep them all contained near the bottom. Start out with 2 or 3 right here.

VSL

This is the place to put your video sales letter. You don’t want it up high on the page like it currently is because it starts to talk about your product, Fundraising 101, which instantly gets people just a little bit on edge.

Talking about your product that early on introduces some friction before you’ve had a chance to make a really solid connection with them.

(You make that connection by talking about their struggles, painting a picture of what their life can look like, and talking about different things they need to get to where they want to be).

And by the way, like I said earlier, this video is structured really well.

You don’t mention Fundraising 101 in the video until after you’ve talked about their struggles, mentioned Becky’s success story, talked about fundraising mistakes, told them they’re capable and different, and told them what they needed (blueprint, system). AND THEN you mention Fundraising 101.

Your sales page should follow that same type of structure, which is why the video is down here - so they only hear about Fundraising 101 after they’ve been primed and they’re most open to hearing about something that would cost money.

Section 8: Introducing Fundraising 101

After you go through and figure out what you think would make for a good One Big Idea and One Promise, think about rephrasing the subhead to reflect that.

It’s good that your subhead mentions the “skills and confidence you need to grow your revenue FAST,” because it speaks to what they want.

You may think about replacing the part that says, “A training program designed for those new to fundraising.”

If you do say this is for “those new to fundraising,” just make sure that that’s how they would classify themselves.

The reason I bring this up is that this is definitely for those who are struggling with fundraising, but maybe they’ve been struggling for a few years and wouldn’t say they’re new to it. You’re the one who knows your audience better than I do, so just make sure you’re classifying them the same way they’re classifying themselves.

Copy suggestion: “Your proven shortcut to stop struggling with fundraising by getting the skills and confidence you need to grow your revenue FAST”

Section 9: Tour of Fundraising 101

Start out with an overview of what they’ll be able to do once they’ve gone through Fundraising 101.

So in the box where you say, “Here’s what you’ll get,” change that to be geared towards, “You’ll be able to…”

And then list out what they’ll be able to do once they’re finished with Fundraising 101.

You’ll mention all of the templates and videos in just a little bit, but right now you want to talk about what they’ll be able to do (that of course, they’re currently unable to do).

For example,

You’ll be able to…

• Get the money you ask for, when you ask for it

• Put together a solid fundraising strategy based on real-life examples, not guesswork

• Feel confident in your fundraising skills, knowledge, and abilities

Insert a testimonial you think will fit well here

Now this is the part where you give the “tour” of Fundraising 101. If you have Fundraising 101 broken down into modules or themes, if each month is themed around a certain thing, this is where you break it down.

I didn’t realize until I got down to the FAQ’s that it seems like they get one new video a week, so make sure you mention that as part of the “tour” as well, so they understand how it’s structured and how it will be presented to them.

This is where you say, “In Month 1, you’ll learn how to XYZ.” “In Month 2, you’ll learn how to XYZ.”

I also didn’t see a timeline - so whoever is reading this page won’t know how many months you’ll be sending out videos, so you’ll want to add that in here too.

Then we get into the features of Fundraising 101 (Annual Plan, Rinse and Repeat, etc).

Make it clear what makes each feature so important for them. After you write out each feature, pretend that the person reading it is asking, “Okay...but, so what? How will Rinse and Repeat systems help me out in my life?”

You need to spell out how each feature will make their life better in some way. How it will help them get to where they want to be in fundraising.

For example:

ANNUAL PLAN: Choose the right mix of events, grants, and asks to fully fund your budget,

so you know how to create a fundraising strategy that actually works and gives you a solid estimate of how much money you’ll raise each quarter

INSPIRE DONORS TO GIVE: Learn what to say to grab their hearts and motivate them to give, so you can confidently hit “Send,” knowing you’re going to get the money you asked for

Don’t ever settle for just telling your reader what you’re offering. Take it a step further and show her how each thing you’re giving her will help change her life for the better.

The next part of the tour is where you list out what they’ll get. Everything under Here’s What You’ll Get goes in here (sizzlingly hot examples, the templates, the 24/7 support, all that gets listed here).

You can say something like, “When you enroll in Fundraising 101, you get…” and then list them all out.

BUT just like with the features, you need to show them how each thing they’ll get will help them out in their real life.

For example:

• 4 videos each month. These are short and to the point (about 10 minutes each) so you can learn fast, when it’s most convenient for you! (Because who has time to fit in an hour-long webinar in an already jam-packed life?)

• Tools like Ebooks, Checklists, Cheat Sheets, Templates, and Samples helping you implement what you learn as you go so it sticks in your brain. These are designed to take you from simply absorbing information to applying it to your nonprofit’s fundraising - so you see results FAST.

• Access to fundraising coaches, so you get answers to your most burning questions and bounce ideas off of fundraising experts who will tell you if your idea sounds AWESOME or if it’s a no-go.

Always take things to the next level and show them how each thing will help them in their real life.

After that, insert the sneak peak into Episode 1 - only include the entire video so that they get real value from just the sales page. Putting the entire video in here also builds trust and credibility (and it’s certainly not so much value that they won’t buy.)

Put another testimonial in here

Note: The section about the Nonprofit Fundraising Success Path left me confused. Because it’s teaching them the four stages of nonprofit growth and how to move from one to the other, it seems like it belongs in the features section, with the Annual Plan, the Rinse and Repeat, all of that.

Having its own separate section confused me, especially because this was the first time it was mentioned on the page, so unless you have a very particular reason for separating it from the rest, I would put it with the other features.

Section 10: Bonuses:

If done right, bonuses add a LOT to an offer, and sometimes the bonuses are so good people buy just for them.

Just like with the features, make it clear how each bonus will help change their life and get them to where they want to be in fundraising. Also do your best to beef up these bonuses as much as possible.

You did touch on this with the first two bonuses. You mentioned how they can stop shaking in their boots and they can adjust their sails for the coming month, but I would really try to beef it up even more.

Describe even more what benefits each bonus offers them and how it will help them out in specific, realistic ways.

Section 11: No-risk guarantee

The guarantee is said to be one of the most carefully read parts of your sales page, so you don’t want to skimp in any way here.

You have a lot of opportunities to strengthen this section.

First off, it’s smart to brand your guarantee with a name - a 30-day, no-risk guarantee is so common that a branded name really helps it stand out and make you seem serious about your guarantee.

So for example, you could name it: The “Get your fundraising on track within 30 days” Guarantee or The Smart Fundraising Guarantee, anything to brand it as your own.

You want to mention specific actions they can take in 30 days (which is a specific timeframe) to achieve a specific result. So whatever you believe is realistic.

You could say, “Take 30 days to watch the first four videos, fill out X checklist, and ask a fundraising expert in the community your most burning questions.

If you still don’t feel like you have the knowledge or practical action steps to XYZ (Sandy - list a small win you know they can get within 30 days: form a fundraising strategy for the next 6 months, make a successful ask, etc), then email [someone other than Sandy] at [insert email address] for an immediate, no-questions asked refund.”

Sandy and team - If you feel like 30 days isn’t long enough for them to see results in something, then extend the guarantee to 60 days.

Adding a little challenge / instructions like that shows your audience that YOU are 100% confident in your own product - and that helps them become confident in it as well.

I realize that results depend on how much effort they put in, but as long as you are specific in telling them what they need to do in order to achieve that result, there won’t be any confusion.

Also - make it super clear that if they want a refund, they don’t have to prove to you that they’ve completed the material.

They don’t have to show you that they’ve watched any videos or completed any checklists.

All they have to do is email that person at that email and you’ll give it to them, no questions asked.

The job of the guarantee is to reassure them that this truly is absolutely ZERO risk, remind them of the possible outcomes, and show them that YOU are completely confident in your own product.

Insert CTA

• If you want, you can insert a section here comparing Fundraising 101 to the other similar programs.

• If you want, you can insert a section here where you talk about how they could learn all of this stuff on their own, but that’s super hard and time-consuming.

Section 12: FAQs taken to the next level

Start off this section with a sentence or two about how you love questions and questions are a good thing.

Anyone reading any sales page is going to have questions and skepticism. You never want them to feel like you’re defensive about it or that you don’t welcome questions or doubts. So make it clear that you do welcome questions.

And mention that people who ask questions end up buying your program. This helps the reader start to align themselves as a buyer because they’re going, “Hey, other people who bought asked questions and maybe had a few doubts too.”

Also make sure that for the most part, these are questions most people are actually asking. So if only one person has asked you about being outside the U.S. or about a group discount, you probably don’t need to include that here.

Use some of the questions to point to all the good things they’re going to be able to do and how their life will be SO much better after they go through Fundraising 101. This is what takes your FAQ’s to the next level and makes them work strongly in convincing people to click that CTA.

So if your audience is worried about the time, after you tell them how much time it’s going to take, make sure you talk about the outcomes that they’ll get from watching a 10-minute video once a week and taking 30 minutes to fill out a template or whatever.

When you list the FAQ about asking specific questions for their specific situation, make sure you also talk about all the benefits of being able to access fundraising experts - how it will help them get to where they want to be in fundraising.

Just like with the features and bonuses, we’re always connecting the dots for people. We’re saying, “This is what’s included, and this is HOW your life will look after you use it.”

Section 13: This Is For You If

This section currently singles out three different people. The volunteer one seems like it should be taken out, because when you try to speak to everyone, you end up weakening your message because it’s trying to be too broad.

Now, if you know that most people landing on this page are volunteers, then you want to leave that in there. In fact, if most people in your funnel are volunteers, this entire page should be written to them.

But the page seems to be written as if it’s for people in charge of fundraising. Like the founders and the executive directors you mention.

If you included volunteers here just in case a few will land on this page, then take it out. Otherwise, you’re trying to make this section speak to too many people and it becomes harder for them to resonate with it.

I would also change the wording in this section to talk about common themes that the founders and the executive directors share, rather than calling them out by their job titles.

For example, saying things like, This Is For You If...:

You’re just getting started and want to make sure you get it right the first time” (versus calling them a “Founder/Visionary)

You live and breathe your nonprofit’s mission and aren’t satisfied with only changing a few lives when you know you could change SO MUCH MORE.

This is what I did in Email 10. Go check it out and follow more of that structure for this section.

Insert CTA

Close: 2 different closing options here

1. Close with a “challenge”

A Quick Win Challenge - is there anything they can do, that’s not too hard and doesn’t require too much commitment, that will quickly get them a result they want?

Take a look at ALL of your training, your templates, examples, everything you offer, and see if there’s something they can do before the 30 (or 60) days are up that will get them a quick result.

Maybe it’s an email template they can fill out to ask their donors for money, or something they can do to grow their donor list with 5 extra people. Whatever you think is realistic based on your experience and what your clients have told you.

This is a chance to remind them of your no-risk guarantee and that they have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.

1. Close by positioning the problems / struggles as what other people who don’t buy Fundraising 101 still have to deal with

Start out by making a likely percentage or number reflecting the fact that most people who land on this page won’t follow through.

Remind them of the struggles and problems they’re dealing with, only position those struggles as what other people who don’t buy Fundraising 101 will still have to deal with.

For example:

“7 out of 10 people reading this page will think about it but keep putting it off until it’s too late, and here’s X number of ways they’ll still be left struggling:

List out a few common fundraising struggles and underneath each one mention the True Cost (losing upwards of ten thousand dollars each year, not being able to help out dozens or hundreds more people than otherwise, your sanity, your nonprofit’s ability to grow, etc).

Basically, this is making the choice to click the CTA the safer option than not clicking the CTA and continuing to struggle.

Insert final CTA

Other notes:

Comparing to the competitor:

Your competitor has nothing on you. When you show your audience you understand their struggles and paint a picture of where they want to be, and you’re able to show how your product will change their life, they’ll gravitate towards you.

The Nonprofit Leadership Lab does very little of that. And they focus pretty much all on them and their features rather than focusing all about the reader. I doubt their page is connecting as much as you think it is.

Misc:

• The video CTA was different than the CTA on the sales page. The video made me think I would be enrolling today, but the sales page CTA is just asking me to get on a waitlist. If you’re able to, I would change the sales page CTA to say Enroll Today.

• There’s currently no urgency. Nobody has any reason to buy now. They can just put it off until later - and that’s exactly what most of them will do (and “later” will never come).

I remember you said that you had a lot of last-minute Lucy’s, and that’s how it is everywhere.

It’s human nature to procrastinate rather than to make a decision. Put real urgency in there. Add a timer. When that timer is up, something valuable has to be taken away.

Maybe an extra bonus you can take away, or you’ll close it down for a whole year, or the price will go up, or something that they really want will no longer be available.

• The picture currently seems a little clunky and instead of enhancing the text, like pictures are supposed to do, it draws away from it. Better to overlay the picture with text. Also, try to use a picture that doesn’t have the words “Fundraising 101” on it. A picture that reflects who your audience is would probably fit better.

• Episode 1 sneak peek video - try to get it to where they can ONLY watch that video. As it now is, they can easily get distracted by watching multiple other youtube videos that pop up afterward. Don’t underestimate the power of distraction.

• Footer with links - DELETE. A link is asking a person to click on it. You only want them to click the CTA.

• Optional: Include a pre-headline sentence that calls out who this page is for. “For nonprofit founders and executive directors…” “Hey nonprofit founders and executive directors!” Just so they know they’re in the right place, but if you know the right people are in your funnel and they know they’re in the right place, it isn’t always necessary to add that to a sales page.

• Every single sentence must have it’s own purpose. If you ever look at a sentence and you’re like, “I’m not really sure why that’s there” then you should cut it out. You don’t want copy in there “just because” - you need to understand why it’s in there.

• Price - you mention in the video that the price of Fundraising 101 is less than a cup of coffee per day. However, there’s no price mentioned anywhere in the page. I would state the price near the CTAs.

• You can add an FAQ about how people can call to talk if they’re just not quite sure if Fundraising 101 is the right choice, and an FAQ about “what happens when I click that big red button?” Sometimes people need to read the process of what happens after they click the CTA (page where you punch in your credit card details, email confirming everything good to go, access to the first video - whatever the process is).

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And that’s the end of the sales page audit!